Divorce-the hammer that shattered my heart!

Over Ten years ago, I heard these words........

“Carol, I don’t love you, I mean I love you, but I am not in “in love” with you,” my husband said flatly, one cold March morning.

I felt like the air had been sucked out of the room, i was breathless, “What do you mean Richard, when did you stop loving me?” I asked him as hot tears poured down my cheeks.

"I still love you Carol, but....well, something has happened and I feel differently."

I feared the answer to my next question, "is there someone else, Richard?"

His face was expressionless, “yes there is, I want a divorce.”

We had been married almost 23 years. I never suspected any of this. Why was I so blind?

I sat there dumbfounded; I wanted to shrivel up and die.

Didn't he understand, he was the love of my life, the man I intended to spend the rest of my life with, my lover, companion, best friend and confidant.

How could he sit here across from me in the home we shared and tell me, "it's over?"and he was leaving and had given his heart, the heart that belonged to me ..........to another woman?

He expressed regret for what he had done to me.

“You’re a good woman Carol, you don’t deserve this, but these things happen, I didn’t plan it. You will meet someone else and be happy, I am sure of it.”

I was astonished, “I don’t want someone new Richard, I want you!” I cried.





After he confessed having sex with the young woman on several occasions, (who, by the way, happened to be 19 years his junior) I fell apart!

I cast away all dignity and cried out, “please don’t leave me Richard, I forgive you. Let’s just put this behind us and move on and get our marriage back. I will do whatever it takes to make this marriage work, please give me another chance!”



He tried to explain that I hadn’t done anything wrong, it wasn’t about me, he had fallen into this and now he wanted out of the marriage.

Still I begged, graveled and pleaded, but to no avail.

The look on his face and the sound of the door closing behind him as he walked out of my life that afternoon is still etched in my memory-to this day!

All my life I had dealt with rejection-and now here it was again, taunting me!



The weeks and months that followed were the worst in my life.

I couldn’t eat, sleep, communicate or function. I was numb. I fell into a deep depression and refused to return to “the land of the living.”

At this devestationg time, I can count my “true friends” that stuck by me, on one hand, (maybe three fingers?)

As I lay in my “bed of affliction” it got back to me, that some of my "so-called friends" were gossiping about me and discussing the reasons why my marriage had failed.

This compounded the unbearable pain that I was already in-and I withdrew all the more.

I found myself in the middle of a major meltdown and there seemed, no way out!



A precious Friend who stuck by me, was Lorraine. She showed up at my door several times a week, with a warm smile, a crock of savory soup and a promise that, this too shall come to pass!"

" However, I wasn’t about to indulge in the soup, or listen to her words of comfort.

Some nights she refused to leave, sitting close beside me, whispering prayers and trying to persuade me to get me up and into a shower.

I would lay there staring into space, refusing to converse, eat or clean up.

Finally, late into the night, she would get up, kiss my forehead and make plans to return the next day with still another culinary delight and words of encouragement.

When she left, I sobbed, wrecked with grief....alone………………so alone!



Being a full time minister, I had plenty of obligations.

My weekly T.V. program required interviews, on location.

Filming and being in the studio.

Strangely enough, the girl that worked with me at the Television station was the “other woman.”

Now, the whole T.V crew knew about the affair, and that Richard had left me for her.

I was humiliated beyond words, so showing up to record programs, was out of the question.!!

Therefore, I ran repeats of the pre-taped programs and stayed at home drowning in my own tears.

After two month of calling Richard consistentlly, still begging- he had his number changed.

So, I called his mother and tried to get her to talk some sense into him. She felt terrible about the whole thing, and certainly did not agree with the way I was being treated, however Richard was her son, and blood is thicker than water-so she took his side.

I was beginning to realize that while Richard was going on with his new life with this woman, mine was dissolving. I was at my wits end-it was then I considered ending my life.



THE WAKE UP CALL

I have spent the last twenty-three years of my life reaching out to those who are broken, depressed and hopeless.

Now I had become the “victim” the broken one… the hopeless.

With all my experience, I felt helpless and it seemed that I could not help myself.

I felt like nothing could penetrate the rock that was forming around my broken heart.

I shut down- isolated myself; I was mentally and emotionally crippled and spiritually empty!



The new rescue attempt was orchestrated by my long time friend, Christie Cross, who kidnapped me out of my apartment and whisked me off to her parent’s condo in Tampa Bay to try to “revive me.”

During the day, this gracious family made every effort to derail my “mental depression.”

I was taken out to fabulous restaurants, only to bring MY meal back in a doggie bag.

A night at the movies resulted in me sobbing and running out of the theater.



One morning, after Christie had gone to work, I was left alone. I spent most of the day on the phone trying to get Richard to talk to me. He refused.

I was standing in the kitchen of this beautiful condo-blinded by tears and desperation.

The breakfast nook had a set of doors that opened up to a lovely balcony. I walked over to it, as if in a trance.

I peered over the rail to the pool several stories below.

I could hear these words in my head, “go ahead and jump! Show him what he has done to you! Besides the pain you are in right now, will be gone forever, go ahead and jump!”

I stood there holding on to the railing.

"Sure, death will be a release; I won't have to wake up every morning and find that he was not there, or think about my him in the arms of another woman- and besides, no one loves me, no one cares.

I could escape the shame that I felt when I had to face people, the disgrace!

I pondered all these thoughts, as my mind raced toward... death.





While I was submerged in those dreadful thoughts, a light went off in my head, so brightly that it blurred my vision.

It was a divine intervention, an awakening, the Hand of God! A love so strong, so intense filled me. I backed away from the balcony..........It was like, I WOKE UP.

I stood there glaring at the place where I had just contemplated taking my life and heard myself say out loud,

NEVER, NEVER AGAIN WILL I ALLOW MYSELF TO THINK LIKE THIS, IT IS THE DEVIL AND HE WANTS TO DESTROY MY LIFE. I AM A CHILD OF THE KING, CHRIST LIVES IN ME. I MAY BE DOWN- BUT I AM "NOT OVER."

I AM GOING THROUGH A TERRIBLE BROKEN TIME IN MY LIFE. BUT... I WILL MAKE IT! I WILL SURVIVE!"

Now, I didn’t come out of the brokenness right at that very moment. I had some things that needed healing, restoring and rebuilding.

BUT,that was the defining moment when I made a decision- that one way or another I would climb out of my pit of despair and “live again.”

It was a bumpy road back to regaining confidence, dignity and my faith. But I was reassured in my heart that “all things are possible to those who believe,” And in spite of what I was going through, I am a die-hard believer!

And i know this....MY REDEEMER LIVES!!!!!!



That is the reason that I am writing this-because I am a survivor, I am convinced that what God did for me He will do you, if you will let Him!

So, it is my intention to reach out to you (who like me) might be going through, or has gone through this kind of thing and you are at a place where you think all hope is gone and your life will never be the same.



Actually, things will be different, but I can assure you-that you will get through.


You will return to the healthy, happy life that you truly deserve, as a child of God!

I am healed and ministering FULL TIME- INTERNATIONALLY, on television, radio, personal speaking seminars, conferences, churches and I have authored two booka.

Betrayal, The Deepest Cut- my first book

A Soul for Sale, A true Story- second book, selling internationally!

I thank God that, I didn't let one man's decision to adandon me, take me out!

But to let God bring me back to "HIS PLAN FOR MY LIFE!!!"


YOUR COMMENTS ARE WELCOME AND SO APPRECIATED.

PLEASE LEAVE ONE